In the news recently was a report about a woman who had killed her husband.
Originally convicted of murder she had her sentence reduced to manslaughter due
to a psychological condition brought on by the abuse she suffered at the hands
of her husband for years.
I want to state outright that I don't really believe this woman should ever have been sent to jail in the first place. I can see the argument that you should not condone killing. But whose fault is it really that she was put in a position where she felt this was her only way out? Not hers she was the victim here. Her husband? Well of course it was mostly his fault. He was the abuser. But who else? Did we as a society not fail this woman?
Sally Challen was a victim of coercive control. Over many years she was manipulated and abused to such a degree that she was no longer really her own person. Completely subjugated to the will of her now dead husband and even after she killed him, she still says she loves him and misses him. That to me speak volumes. I can't describe the depth of sadness if feel at this.
She is not alone in suffering from this particular form of abuse. We as a society and as individuals tend to want to avoid getting involved in other people’s affairs directly. Happy to sit back and watch drama unfold, shocked when something bad happens but more often than not, unwilling to act unless asked to and even then, somewhat reluctantly.
But surely as a species drawn to forming communities it is our moral obligation to take steps to protect those who are in need, even if sometimes it is initially unwanted. There are things you can do to help but you must be vigilant. It is not always easy to spot when someone is in trouble.
So, what are the signs you might be able to spot that show something could be wrong? In many cases a dramatic change in behaviour towards seclusion. Victims stepping away from family and friends, stopping hobbies and social activities and staying indoors more often. Always agreeing to do what their partner wants.
Yes, in many cases there could be a perfectly good reason for this change, illness, new baby, caring for an elderly family member. But if there is no obvious reason and sometimes even if there is, should someone not be asking, "are you ok?" Or even simply "do you want talk?". Just being there for someone could be difference between happiness and sadness or even life and death.
If you spot this behaviour change in yourself or you feel trapped, then ask yourself are you really happy with your situation. Have you been forced into this life by someone close to you? Is it time to get out?
There are people you can contact if you or someone you know is stuck in this awful situation.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline - Run as a partnership between Refuge and Women's Aid
Available 24-hours a day freephone on 0808 2000
Galop - A national LGBT domestic abuse helpline
Freephone 0800 999 5428
Available:
10am-5pm Monday to Wednesday
10am to 8pm Thursday
1pm to 5pm Friday
3pm to 7pm over the weekend
The Men's Advice Line - For men who are victims or at risk of domestic violence
Freephone 0808 8010327
Available 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday.
Childline - For people up to 19 years old
Available 24-hours a day freephone on 0800 1111
I had trouble writing this post. I struggled to put myself in the mindset of those controlled or controlling. In large way I am thankful for this. The concept of it is so alien to me and the reality so horrifying I had trouble putting it in words. There is much more that could be said here about the barbarity of the abusers and the plight of the victims. But for me what it boils down to is this. Be there for each other. Lean on someone when you need to and be there for them when they need it too. Look out for those in need and take action (legal action) when necessary. If we can free those in need and lock up those who abuse, we can make a huge difference to so many lives.
Lastly, if you do suffer from abuse and reading something like this might put you in danger, please clear your browser history, but please reach out and get the help you need.
I want to state outright that I don't really believe this woman should ever have been sent to jail in the first place. I can see the argument that you should not condone killing. But whose fault is it really that she was put in a position where she felt this was her only way out? Not hers she was the victim here. Her husband? Well of course it was mostly his fault. He was the abuser. But who else? Did we as a society not fail this woman?
Sally Challen was a victim of coercive control. Over many years she was manipulated and abused to such a degree that she was no longer really her own person. Completely subjugated to the will of her now dead husband and even after she killed him, she still says she loves him and misses him. That to me speak volumes. I can't describe the depth of sadness if feel at this.
She is not alone in suffering from this particular form of abuse. We as a society and as individuals tend to want to avoid getting involved in other people’s affairs directly. Happy to sit back and watch drama unfold, shocked when something bad happens but more often than not, unwilling to act unless asked to and even then, somewhat reluctantly.
But surely as a species drawn to forming communities it is our moral obligation to take steps to protect those who are in need, even if sometimes it is initially unwanted. There are things you can do to help but you must be vigilant. It is not always easy to spot when someone is in trouble.
So, what are the signs you might be able to spot that show something could be wrong? In many cases a dramatic change in behaviour towards seclusion. Victims stepping away from family and friends, stopping hobbies and social activities and staying indoors more often. Always agreeing to do what their partner wants.
Yes, in many cases there could be a perfectly good reason for this change, illness, new baby, caring for an elderly family member. But if there is no obvious reason and sometimes even if there is, should someone not be asking, "are you ok?" Or even simply "do you want talk?". Just being there for someone could be difference between happiness and sadness or even life and death.
If you spot this behaviour change in yourself or you feel trapped, then ask yourself are you really happy with your situation. Have you been forced into this life by someone close to you? Is it time to get out?
There are people you can contact if you or someone you know is stuck in this awful situation.
The National Domestic Violence Helpline - Run as a partnership between Refuge and Women's Aid
Available 24-hours a day freephone on 0808 2000
Galop - A national LGBT domestic abuse helpline
Freephone 0800 999 5428
Available:
10am-5pm Monday to Wednesday
10am to 8pm Thursday
1pm to 5pm Friday
3pm to 7pm over the weekend
The Men's Advice Line - For men who are victims or at risk of domestic violence
Freephone 0808 8010327
Available 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday.
Childline - For people up to 19 years old
Available 24-hours a day freephone on 0800 1111
I had trouble writing this post. I struggled to put myself in the mindset of those controlled or controlling. In large way I am thankful for this. The concept of it is so alien to me and the reality so horrifying I had trouble putting it in words. There is much more that could be said here about the barbarity of the abusers and the plight of the victims. But for me what it boils down to is this. Be there for each other. Lean on someone when you need to and be there for them when they need it too. Look out for those in need and take action (legal action) when necessary. If we can free those in need and lock up those who abuse, we can make a huge difference to so many lives.
Lastly, if you do suffer from abuse and reading something like this might put you in danger, please clear your browser history, but please reach out and get the help you need.
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